Are they gone? Did every single foreign computer user abandon their post and run off to tip over old ladies, or whatever it is non-Americans do? You’re sure it’s just us?
Phew. We can’t have them learning the particulars of our democracy, can we? That’s the sort of thing we should keep to ourselves, I’m sure those of you left over would agree that our successful governmental methods should be cloistered like precious jewels kept behind glass and then hidden in underground safes. Sure, you can’t admire the shimmer or use them to beguile femme fatales, but they’re safe from other folks laying their grubby hands on them.
So while realizing that we didn’t actually have a President, I would also like to announce my resignation from my future presidential campaign. I was planning on eventually declaring my candidacy on “The Daily Show with Carlos Mencia” (no one said the future was a nice place) once I had reached the prerequisite age limit, running on the campaign slogan, “Please don’t squash us, Eurasian Empire.”
But, as my legal advisers just informed me, I cannot, as a result of my birth. Article II of the Constitution clearly states:
“No person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty-five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States.”
Before I’m run off of my own blog, let me reassure you that I am indeed, an American citizen, and to further quell the easily riled, both of my parents are American citizens (even though the Supreme Court has already ruled, in Dred Scott v. Stanford, that the requirement for citizenship is the location of birth, but who listens to them anyways?).
But I was not naturally born. Being an impudent little bundle of joy, I required that my mother give birth to me via a C-section, not by the other, natural method. During which, it was not mechanism of Mother Nature that allowed me to be typing this, but instead, the technique and precision of a doctor and his staff. And there isn’t anything more unnatural than science, as I’m sure my fellow citizens must agree.
So it’s with a heavy heart that I shrink away from my dreams. If only it were a simple matter of being questioned on my citizenship, to which I could then produce birth certificates, the support of the state I was born in and the archival newspaper clips announcing my birth.
Wait. That’s already happening? And you guys still aren’t satisfied? You say you’re petitioning Congress to enlist Doc Brown in going back to 1961 and witness Obama’s birth yourselves? Good luck…and don’t try and make out with your grandma or something in the process