If you film it, they might not come

Surprise, surprise. Hollywood is starting to think that maybe tossing gajillions of dollars at pet projects and stupid star vehicles isn’t so much of a good idea. After a 6 percent increase in costs and the death of the DVD market (don’t tell anyone, but you can get DVDs for free at libraries or on this “Internet” thing) and a series of flops like “Land of the Lost” (More like “Land of the Lost Profits!” Ha!) and “Funny People,” (More like…well, I already wrote about this…) the co-chairmen of Universal Studios, Marc Shmuger and David Linde, have been kicked right out the door. The chairman of Disney Studios, Dick Cook (and also, the worst name for a restaurant I can think of) left after a similar situation.

Now that the summer’s over and pretty much everything is out of theaters entirely, let’s take a look at the top 10 highest grossing films so far shall we? Let’s examine how well they fit the standard Hollywood model of overpaying for directors and actors/actresses so that the poster can have some moderately well-known name attached to it.

1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
I’m sure folks flocked to this because of Michael Bay and Megan Fox. Oh, wait. They just wanted giant, stupid robots. It’s probably in Ms. Fox’s best interest to know that excitable teenage boys can get the same amount of, if not more, happiness through doing a Google image search of her as they can from buying a ticket to “Jennifer’s Body.”

And robots don't come much stupider than this.

And robots don't come much stupider than this.

2. Harry Potter and Some Magic Stuff Happens
This speaks for itself. Moving on…

3. Up
Oh, wow. A well-made movie with a brand recognition built upon unrivaled creative success as opposed to a snide marketing scheme or a single heartthrob? I can imagine the Disney executives when they first realized just how awesome Pixar is…”You got quality in my movie!” one shouted, to which the other replied, “You got movies in my quality!” at which point they shrugged their shoulders and said, “At least we still have Return to Witch Mountain.”

4. The Hangover
Remember “Wedding Crashers?” This is that movie, but funnier. Again, the wolf pack’s success speaks for itself.

5. Star Trek
There simply aren’t enough “Star Trek” dweebs left on the planet to have put this so high up on the list, nor are there enough die-hard “Lost” devotees remaining to worship everything J.J Abrams has his name attached to (no matter how temporary his influence may be). The reason this did so well? It was a great film that even my mom could like.

6. Monsters vs. Aliens
I’d say this is just an example of “Hey, kids will go see anything,” but I saw it too. I guess 3D really does draw folks in…

7. Ice Age: This is really the third-highest grossing movie worldwide? Ever?
I’m going to need to sit down a bit and recover from this realization.

8. X-Men Origins: The Work Print

I know it was bad. No need to yell.

I know it was bad. No need to yell.

9. Night at the Museum wamdoawmfef
This is where I say, “Kids will watch anything.”

10. The Proposal
There’s always that one movie that everyone’s mom goes to see. Last year it was “Mamma Mia!” and the year before it was “Wild Hogs.”

Now let’s see…which of these films features a big A-list star? None? Oh, well which features a brand-name director? Just one, since Abrams needs a few more hits under his belt to certify that platinum status (a recognition completely based on revenues, since Bay is still a rubbish director).

At least Hollywood’s doing something to fix the broken model, as opposed to doing what I’d expect them to, try and do more of the same, but BIGGER. With more EXPLOSIONS. And carefully-hidden BREASTS.


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Filed under Hollywood, Morgan

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